PIE: West Coast/Pilot Script Page
Pre-titles sequence August 26th 2013. High on a mountain road, a scared young girl, Samantha, is caught in a terrifying storm. In the storm her entire family has been ripped away from her and the wind picks up, tossing her helplessly against the mountainside, as she tries desperately to reach her car or any form of shelter against the unrelenting storm. As she is buffeted and blown back by the gales, she finally reaches her car. As she manages to get in and close the door, the howl of the zephyrs outside are muted, and all that can be heard is the sound of her erratically drawing breaths between sobs. She gently starts to weep to herself as the full realization that the rest of her family is gone hits her in full. Sam: Oh god… Dad… Gertrude… Monkey… They’re all gone… Why? Why did this have to happen? As she struggles to come to terms with her loss, a flash of green appears in the distance. She notices this and looks up. Sam: What…. Gertrude? Is that you? She takes a moment to compose herself before sticking the car in gear and driving full throttle down the road. The green flashes at her. Sam: What the- There’s an almighty crash and a blinding light. It seems like the mountain itself is being shaken right to its foundations. A horrendous white flurry of snow and ice torrents down from the tops, wiping the car clean off the road and sends it rolling down the side of the cliff. Sam: Ah, AGH! OH GOD! ARGH! NONONONO PLEASE! The green light appears again as the car tumbles helplessly into an empty void – no mountains, no ground, no nothing – quite simply, a nothing. A hole in the fabric of spacetime formerly occupied by a scientific research facility. More will be revealed about the facility as the series progresses, as of yet its existence is not made apparent due to The Nothing but suffice it to say it is integral to Sam’s story arc. The scene fades to black and a converation is heard over the phone. Toast: You want to WHAT!? Leah: I want to come back again. Toast: After all this time? Leah: I know it's been a while- Toast: It's been almost ten years. Leah: Things change Johnny, you should know that better than most. People can change too. Listen, I know it's never going to be like how it was, but you know... I miss it, Johnny. I miss the thrill of it, the laughs, just the whole thing. I miss you and G- nearly slips here and says "Gregory" but catches herself just enough that it's barely noticeable Ghost and the gang. And don't you tell me that I'm not able or ready to do it because you know I am. Toast: It's not just as simple as me calling and asking to get you a job. Even with your prior experience and me to back you up, the fact remains that you haven't been on the job for nearly a decade. You'll need to be put to the test. Leah: I can take any test they throw at me. Toast: If you can prove you're still capable in a simulated preternatural scenario, that should convince them to reinstate your old grade. Leah: When do we start? Toast: Well as it happens I was recently informed that the, ah... briefly flashes with images of Johnny Coast's death ... California Division has just got an opening. Leah: Johnny Coast is dead? Toast: Well in a word, yes. Leah: Oh, I'm so sorry. How did it happen? More flashes of Coast's death. Toast: Not well. Leah: He has a kid, doesn't he? Toast: I think so, yes. Leah: What's gonna happen to his family? Toast: We're paying them compensation. Leah: It's not much of a compensation for losing a father. Toast: ... I've got to go. We're on call tonight, sir just found out about this house on the edge of the city that's completely surrounded by brick walls and he wants to break in and make a documentary about it. Leah: Always one for great ideas, our Johnny. Toast: Talk to you later? Leah: Sure thing, I'll go get packed. Toast: Okay. Oh also one last thing - I'll be sending over an intern there as well, he's not too bad even by your standards but he's not what we're looking for over here. Leah: What, you mean he's actually competent? They both laugh. Toast: His name's Adam Wolverton. Please give him a warm welcome if you see him. Leah: Oh I will. Take care Toaster. Toast: See ya 'round. There is the sound of a phone hanging up. Titles Scene 1 A taxicab pulls up outside a large warehouse. A police chase zooms by as the passenger, Adam, gets out of the car, unpacks his belongings and pays the driver. As the cab drives off Adam looks down at his belongings, and then back up at the foreboding building looming above him, in a manner similar to the way that Toast did in Business Unusual - albeit a completely different building on the other side of the US. Phillipa greets him. Phillipa: Um, hi! You're Adam, right? I'm Phillipa, I'm going to be handling the recruitments. Adam: That's right, yeah. Nice to meet you, Phillipa. Phillipa: Thank you, it's nice to meet you too. Now you've already had some experience from your time over at North Carolina division, is that right? Adam: I suppose you could say that. Phillipa: Well, how would you put it? Adam: Dangerous and chaotic. Phillipa: Yep, that's Johnny Ghost's PIE to a tee. Anyway, suffice to say that you're sufficiently experienced to, um, skip some of the formalities that the other candidates have had to go through. Adam: Candidates? Phillipa: They're just through here in the waiting room. The tram will be here shortly. Adam: Sounds a lot more high-tech than what I've been used to in Carolina. Phillipa: There's a reason for that. This branch of PIE's had a change of parent company and they've given us a much bigger budget to work with. Adam: Cool stuff. I don't suppose you've got a secret underground base with a shark tank too, have you? Phillipa: Well... It's not so much a shark tank as an interdimensional prison for an Elder God. Adam: Uh... Wow. That's, uh... Heavy. Like, an actual Elder God? Yog-Soloth, Cthulu and the like? Phillipa: Roundabout. We keep him in a pocket universe just to make sure he doesn't, y'know. Destroy our reality and reshape it in his own image. Adam: Yeah, I can see how that would be a distinct downer. Phillipa: Um, anyway, shall I take you through? Adam: If you please. I'll just get my- *turns around to see a few PIE employees collecting his luggage* Phillipa: Don't worry about your belongings, we'll have them sent along separately. Adam: Where are they taking those? Phillipa: Someplace safe. You'll get them back later. Adam: All my things are in there! Phillipa: They're going by other means. Saves space on the tram. Adam: Oh, okay. That makes sense. They go inside, where there is a surprisingly large train station. Phillipa: Please, take a seat. The tram will be along in about *glances at timetable* 9 minutes. Adam: You have a private tram? Phillipa: We're a company dealing with dangerous paranormal entities beyond the scope of current human science. Do you really think we're gonna take the bus with this crap in town? Adam: Fair point. I'll just get comfy. Phillipa nods and heads over to Leah, who is sitting next to Samantha - but Samantha looks very different, shell-shocked and barely responsive. Phillipa: Pardon me, Nathan... Jason: Um, it's Jason. Phillipa: Oh gosh, I'm so sorry! Jason. Jason: I get that a lot. Phillipa: How are you doing Leah? Leah: Good thanks... But I'm a little worried about Samantha here. Phillipa: We picked her up on an expedition into an interstitial rift between worlds. We've no idea how long she's been there or how she survived- Leah: She told me. She survived because she was taken in by the inhabitants of the realm- Phillipa: Whoa, back up a sec. She's spoken to you? Leah: Yeah. She seems to trust me. Phillipa: She must do, we haven't got anything out of her since we rescued her. Leah: She says she finds it... Noisy, to be back. Phillipa: Did she say what happened to her? Leah: Oh yes. She told me everything. Phillipa: Gosh... What happened to her? Leah: It was 2013. She was at a family reunion up on this snowy resort up in the mountains, North Dakota. There was a storm, like nothing she'd ever seen. Her whole family died that day. She was the only survivor. She got sucked through some sort of portal into a nether-realm she couldn't seem to describe... She just called it, "the Nothing"... A place impossible to fully describe with our limited vocabulary. Phillipa: Oh gosh... That's terrible. And this poor girl's been stuck there for nearly three years? Alone? Leah: Not exactly alone... Phillipa: What do you mean? At this point, the train arrives. Leah: Train's pulled in. I guess I'll have to tell you later if you remind me. Adam: At least this time its actually on time. Right, Gabe? Leah: Um... What? Phillipa: Oh Leah, this is Adam Wolverton. He's been sent over from PIE's Carolina division as an intern. Adam, this is Leah. Adam: I've heard a lot about you, it's nice to finally meet you. Leah: Likewise. What exactly have you heard about me? Adam: Uhhhh... I heard you were quite a prolific paranormal investigator back in the old PIE? You come highly recommended from Johnny Toast. Leah: Yeah, I'm still in fairly regular contact with Toast. How's everybody over at Carolina anyway? Adam: Same as you'd expect pretty much. There's a few guys around I think might be macaroni dealers and this intern called Spooker that Ghost really dislikes. Last I heard they were planning on breaking into a guy's house to film a documentary. Leah: (laughs) Same old (seems to be about to pause or say "Gre-" but it's barely noticeable) Ghost. They board the train. It gets very crowded and the atmosphere is a little awkward. After a few moments, Adam breaks the silence. Adam: Okay, someone in here smells like Old Spice. Nobody replies. Leah and Samantha giggle to themselves. Adam sighs. Scene 2 The tram arrives at the PIE base and the new interns debark. Leah: Come on, Samantha. Let's go. Jason: Hey Adam, what do you think this new PIE base is gonna be like? Adam: Well, if this place is any indication, I'm guessing it's gonna be a lot more advanced than North Carolina. Jason: Cool! I can't wait to see what they've got. I wonder how they were able to afford it though? Adam: Well, I reckon that they got given the same budget as the other PIE, except this branch didn't spend all their cash on bigger guns and instead invested it where it should have been invested - getting the right equipment. That's probably why PIE East Coast is a squalid bedsit on the third floor of a hotel in downtown Butts, North Carolina. A lack of budgeting. I learned that watching students in college. They all used to get an allowance, you see, and what would happen was they'd spend like a full week throwing parties and really expensive food and drink, and for like the next four months they'd be living off of baked beans. Jason: (bemused) Um... Okay then. Leah: You're into the theatrics I see. Adam: (slightly irritated) Shush. Phillipa: Um, hello everybody! Welcome to the headquarters of the California branch of Paranormal Investigators Extraordinaire. You've all been invited here as interns for the most prolific paranormal research and containment bureau on the West Coast. Adam: (whispers to Leah) Whereas East Coast lives on $2 a day. Leah: (whispers to Adam) Sshh! Phillipa: This means that in a few moments, you will get separated into the respective jobs you are applying for. Our front-line Paranormal experts will go over by Johnny Toast- Gavin Raises his hands and indicates the proper area to be at if you were his responsibility. Phillipa: (continuing) -our people trying out for the Experimental Analysis of Technology and Paranormal Research Exertion in the Temporal Zoo Established in our Location- Adam: (quietly, to self) What? Leah: (whispers to Adam) The Acronym is "EAT PRETZELS". Adam: (Back to her) Better Budgets apparently have no effect on acronym quality. Phillipa: (continuing) -will Meet over by {insert name and purpose here}. And last but not least our Office workers, working to keep us informed, functioning, and well-budgeted- Adam: (coughs quietly and theatrically stares at Leah) Phillipa: (continuing) -will meet over by {insert name and purpose here}.- Someone comes up and whispers something in her ear) Oh. And the, um, New mechanics and janitors will meet Dwight over by the cleaning supply closet. Before we separate you out, we will perform a role call. She produces a list from her podium and starts the role call. Scene 4 Gavin is leading them through the various buildings and rooms through the facility. Gavin: And to your left, There is a see-through experiment chamber- Don't look at the creature inside it though, as doing so will either render you insane or the creature will take over your mind. And to your right, is the Backup employee break room. Remember to use this one, as the normal one downstairs, as I said earlier, is currently being commandeered by Krr’Sa’Thu’Tin, and he gets fussy when we use the things that are technically ours. Yes, the person with a question in the back." (AS an afterthought) "Sir". Jason: The creature that is supposed to be in the glass box over there, well, isn't Gavin: ...Sir, does that mean that you looked at the chamber I directly expressed you shouldn't look at? Jason: Uh...Yes. Gavin: That was stupid, sir. Nevertheless, Gavin dug out his radio and called it in. Gavin: Hey, maintenance? Yeah, remember the experimentation that was supposed to go on till 5? Well, it's only three, and the creature is not in the chamber anymore. (there is muffled radio talking) Oh, okay. It turns out the monster broke Stanley's Just Anti-Magic brand eyewear and he had to put the creature away early. Let that be a reminder to you all that safety is always the number-one priority. Anyway, I'll lead you to the barracks were you can adjust to your new setting. He leads the recruits past a DO NOT LOCK BARRACK DOORS sign. Once all the recruits enter the barracks, he shuts and locks the doors. Gavin: Don't worry, everyone. in case of emergency, I am locking the doors to protect you. This makes the more skeptical people rethink their opinion of him, as the DO NOT LOCK BARRACK DOORS sign was really big and obvious. Also, it makes the room really quiet, as the doors basically block all sound from one side to another {Chatting amongst the interns} Leah: What was that all about? Something strange about the way he's acting. Adam: Yeah, I agree. Doesn't seem quite right. Cat, who has not yet outed himself as being not supposed to be there, realizes he has to take a trip to the little boy's room, excuses himself from his conversation, and when he finds the door locked and unable to be opened come heck or high water, picks up a gun off the wall and bashes the door with it for a while (and shoots the door a bit, and convinces someone else to help, and etc.) before the door gives in and he is able to leave for a bit. Adam and Leah peek out to check if anyone is watching. Satisfied there is no-one present, they exit the room and go off in different directions. Scene 5 Gavin, now that he has gotten rid of those petulant little interns, is calling Goober to remind him of the plan. Gavin: Goober, I got rid of those petulant little interns. are you almost ready? Goober: Is my Chick-fil-ay ready? I can't be bought to murder people and cause chaos unless I can play my Chick-fil-ay every day for ten minutes to get half-off on my vacuum. I'm not barnacle-ridden, you know. Gavin: Yeah, sure, whatever, I mean do you remember the plan? Goober: The chain one, right? Yes. Gavin: It's a vent, and yes, that one. Goober: You humans and your strange little words. Gavin: I will release you first when the plan is beginning. I must do something first. {Gavin Does Things} Scene 6 The interns, unaware of the chaos about to go on, suddenly were surprised by Goober A.K.A. THE OTHER GOOBER, a very famous paranormal entity that was quite the bother to families at dinner time that was famously caught by PIE: West Coast suddenly coming out of a vent. Goober: (announcing in a grandiose manner) WHO WANTS TO DIE? All the interns (Except those frozen with fear) turned and ran, pushing the Disrepaired door out of the way. Goober, to himself: I thought the Deck was calculated? (And then he saw the state of the door.) Oh, It was. I thought Decks had better Feight Trains. He then killed those who were frozen with fear, and left. PIE Regulars (and interns who realized that running from an idiot with knives while LITERALLY surrounded with guns was silly) went to luckily opened Barracks, grabbed a gun, and started shooting ghosts. Goober, who was immune to most forms of damage, was the biggest threat until later when he was caught by Adam with a butterfly net. Battle Scene Gavin releases a plethora of previously captured ghosts into the facility, and people fight them. Final scene The interns are lined up in an assembly with the heads of the division on a small platform up front. Phillipa: Great news! The higher-ups were really impressed with how you all handled that incident. You've all been granted official PIE membership! Congratulations! *insert the team making celebratory noises* Leah: Who wants to hit the bar to celebrate after the ceremony's over? Jason: Yeah, I'm up for that. Whose round is it? Jaron: I think it's Stanley's. Adam: I'm glad that's over, right? Jason: No kidding. That was really intense. Leah: It gets worse. I've been there, trust me. Adam: I think we did pretty well, right guys? Phillipa: It was great! Did you see all that stuff Sam was doing with the mind powers and she was like "leave them alone", she sent that Toast imposter guy running! Jaron: Yeah, it sucks that Toast's evil twin got away though. Phillipa: Yeah. Jaron: Did we ever actually catch what is name was? Adam: No idea. Did you hear anything Leah? Leah: Nope. Stanley: So...where's the real Toast? That's what I'm wondering. Adam: I don't know. Nobody I asked could tell me. Phillipa: They're saying he's gone missing. Him and Johnny Ghost. There's been no contact since they left. Leah: We'll find out what's going on. We'll find them both. And we'll find out what that imposter was up to. Jaron: Together. Category:Scripts